How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
