it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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