I think i peed on brittanys purse
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
