Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
