I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
