My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
