i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
