Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Randomize
