He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
