im holly from the hills drunk
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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