I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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