wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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