it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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