she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
