you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
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he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You are the jesus of drinking
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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