Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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