And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
