I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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