Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Houston, we have a squirter
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize