I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
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