Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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