im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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