Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Randomize
