he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
