he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
