Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
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my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
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Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.