I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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