Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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