A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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