there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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