guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
