Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
