I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
