Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
