I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
