Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
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