i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
