She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
