We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
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Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
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Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
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