get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
