i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
