Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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