If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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