rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
