My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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