dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
