I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Randomize
