he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
