I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
