i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
