1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
he was CRYING into my vagina
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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