We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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