You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
