Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Randomize
