glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
