i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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