3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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