Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Randomize
