I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
