Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
