is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
