when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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