Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
